2006 Skool Report for the TUBE

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
to all readers and contributors (even the ones that slag me off hahahaha)


I must have been delirious (or pissed) yesterday. There I was on Notting Hill Station Platform with no train on the electronic board and let out my usual theatrical sigh of exasperation when, on hearing me a fellow traveller launched into a tirade about the tube , the service, the staff etc. And he was South African. Now I am a proud Englishman and Londoner so naturally I took the (almost)contrarian view to Johnny foreigner

I said that although I agreed with him it had to be remembered that this was the Oldest tube system in the world (1-0 to England) and the most extensive (2-0) and that that no investment had been made by subsequent governments. I said that no wonder the staff were pissed off when they had to work in the shit thing and take abuse. He sort of agreed but we concluded that something had to be done NOW.

Well the tube year has been mostly a depressing one for me. I live on the District line branch to Wimbledon which in spite of the good work of the local conservative MP in attempting to handbag better service it is still to say the least .... SHIT. So much so that I have sold my house and I am moving into a more cental location (Chelsea/South Ken) to improve my chances of getting around without losing more brain cells to anger and rage.

The summer was a nightmare of sweltering trains, more signal failure than chins in a chinese phone directory and the ever depressing announcements of the old school loose jawed english essex peasant drivers (the others are fine). Just a few announcements to illustrate;

The nex train wiw leev fwom platfowm free.

This train is for to-er ill only. (tower hill ?)

This train is for pa int on. (paddington?)

And the ubiquitous. Sorry ladies and gentlemen but this train will terminate....... at any number of station that is not my destination.

Still there were no disasters (except for the service itself) but I did notice a seeming increase in customer action (a euphemism for someone being pushed or jumping in front of a train (I know how they felt). Perhaps like the Bodies exhibition we could have an exhibition of Jumpers (or one unders as they are known in the trade).

The other thing that adds greatly to the whole frustrating rush hour tube experience (for that is where my main critisisms lie) are the passengers. What a bunch!!!! no guts to complain, too dulled or tired to talk to or acknowledge one another (except if they have just had their legs blown off). Add to that the rucksack wearers who are wankers (and thats the ones without explosives) and the Ipoders who insist on blaring the music out of their gobs as it is so loud in the phones, the chavs with external speakerphones who insist on imposing their shit on the other passengers and the whole thing is a tinderbox ready to explode into the first sub terranean conflagration since bora bora.

Next year things will be better;

Staff will be bright and breezy
Trains will arrive on time
passengers will be friendly to each other
signal failure will be a thing of the past.
I wont push the old and inform out of the way for my seat in the morning.
Metronet will invest heavily in improvements.

And if you believe all that dont forget to put that glass of sherry in the hearth for the fat bloke in red coming down the chimney (no... not bob crowbar).

On a slightly more serious note I would like to thank the long suffering staff that work to help the public and put up with all the shit that wankers like me dole out. I know you understand our frustrations you have to work with it.

The public would totally support (In my not so humble opinion) an all out strike by tube staff to demand improvements in services for the travelling public. It would be a popular strike with fantastic public support.

Once again Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Salam Alikum, all the best me old china, and to all the rest just enjoy the goodwill to all men bit..... it doesnt last.

See you next Year. The Tube Thumper X